Beauty Tips for the Busy Woman

I’m always a wee bit frazzled, what with up to 4 children to ferry about at any given time, a demanding cat, shift work and so on- but that is no excuse for not looking my best at all times. Anyone who knows me will verify that my beauty routine  is terrible terribly important to me- it’s on par with my dedication to doing fashion.

Me, circa 2008, ready to hit the town.

First off, your cleansing routine:

Cleanse, tone, exfoliate, moisturise.

Now, I don’t have time for that EVERY day, so I have whittled it down to a manageable routine that can be completed in under a minute:

Splash face with water, dry, slather face in cream.

Cream is preferably a moisturising lotion designed for faces, but I discovered, by accident, that hand cream works just fine (in my defence, the bottles were VERY similar!)

Next up is makeup:

Apply concealer to all the bits that need concealing, then foundation (all over), powder (to cover all the foundation or something), blush, eye liner, eye shadow,  mascara, lip liner, lipstick. Do something with bronzer powder. Ensure all products are organic, SPF50+, cruelty-free, ethically sourced and probably quite expensive.

I don’t really know what all that stuff is. Again, time is of the essence.

Examine drawer full of some of that crap, put on some lip balm. Done.

Can’t forget the hair:

In the shower, be sure to shampoo (twice) and then deep condition using products bought at a hairdresser, not a supermarket. Once out, blow dry, being careful to use some stuff to protect your hair from the perils of the blow drier. Then straighten or curl and style accordingly. 

Yeah, no.  

Try this: Spray with dry shampoo, rub in, brush, pull into tidy-ish bun or ponytail. Secure with the nearest elastic band or kid’s scrunchie. I have it on good authority that the scrunchie is making a comeback in a big way. That’s an inside tip- get on it!

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Then all that’s left is to dress and accessorise and you are ready for your day! I find the right accessories can really draw the eye away from the lack of makeup, personally.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you don’t feel you look your very best, stand next to someone who looks a little worse that you. Sounds mean- but it works! For example:

I look amazing here…Right?

Another option is to make like a model and photoshop the hell out of yourself. I tried that, once or twice:

Jokes aside, if you want to wear makeup and have a beauty routine, that’s great. What isn’t great is the societal pressure on women to do these things. How many magazines and websites have you seen with photos of celebrities “caught” without makeup? Stuff like this and this. Or read things like this:

Which is either utter twaddle or the vast majority of men and a whole bunch of women walk around looking “unnatural” every single day.

Makeup and styled-up hair is a choice, not an obligation. 

I do go without makeup. I don’t think I’m less of a woman for it. In fact, I’m with Fran Drescher on this one:

How about you- got any quick and dirty beauty tips? Or are you a fellow couldn’t-be-arsed or don’t-feel-the-need-for-it kinda person?

How to Wear Shorts, a Mini-Dress or a Bikini!

Fellow Australians, Summer is fast approaching and the temperature is already soaring! I don’t know about you but my facebook feed is full of style guides and fashion tips from bloggers and news outlets to tell us what’s hot this Spring and what we should be wearing! Luckily, I have done the research for you! This is your one-stop Spring and Summer fashion blog!

This one contains the Spring Trends You Need to Know– textures, colours, “luxe hippie”, artisanal, architectural,designer denim and spring florals (duh!). Actually, this article told me bugger all but there were some nice pictures and numerous names dropped- most of which were completely unfamiliar. Designers? Celebs? Architects? Artisans? No effing clue.

How about this? Did Rachel Finch Break Racing’s Fashion Rules? For those not au fait with such things (i.e. me), there are rules. Rules. Rules for what you can wear when you go watch a bunch of horses run around in a circle. I don’t know who Rachel Finch is, but I couldn’t see anything wrong with her outfit that would upset the horses.

Another article made me sad. Apparently, Kelly Osborne came to Australia and could not find a bikini to buy so was forced to sunbathe in her knickers. Oh Kelly- why didn’t you call me? (Aside from the obvious- that we’ve never met- but still!) I could totes have taken you to my local Big Dubs (Big W for those of you not on a nickname basis with your local el-cheapo department store) because they had HEAPS of bikinis, tankinis, monokinis…ALL the ‘kinis! Fancy having to lay around in your bra and pants!

Thank you @ms_go_lightly for taking this pic its such a confidence booster! I don’t give fuck I look good! #nofilter

A photo posted by Kelly Osbourne (@kellyosbourne) on Oct 10, 2014 at 8:43pm PDT

Sympathy is diminishing each time I look at this photo! 

In other fashion news, it’s ok to wear leggings as pants! This is GREAT news for those of us who have been wearing them as a hat for so long!

To cap off all the fashiony articles I’ve been reading, it was with interest that I perused this one- where Men Try to Understand Fashion… and Fail. This study, while not yet peer-reviewed, shows what can only be considered to be CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE of something I’d never realised before. Yes. It’s true. After a thorough perusal of the male perspective on these outfits, it would seem that I am, in fact, a man.

My new-found masculinity not withstanding, I decided to compile a few tips, gleaned from my extensive fashion knowledge and research, to share with anyone who might happen upon my humble corner of the Internet. You’re welcome.

How to wear shorts.

I read this how-to guide. They suggest making sure your legs are hair free, ensuring you wear the “right” shoes and top, avoid the dreaded muffin-top…

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Yeah. No. If you want to shave or wax or pluck your legs- go for it. If you want to leave them au naturel, may I suggest a sprinkle of glitter? The shoes are important. Make sure they fit and you like them. The top- make sure you like it. Fit is only important if you want it to be. I like my tops too big, sometimes. Personal preference. If you have a muffin-top, I suggest you eat it. It’s the best part. If you have the other kind, it’s up to you. Disguise it? Flaunt it? Wear what is comfortable for YOU and screw what the media or society or some bitchy girl you knew in high school tells you. I have a muffin-top (not the cake kind) and even at my slimmest, size 10-12, it was there. I’m pear shaped. I have hips. I’m a woman. I’m ok with that and if someone else is not, that is their problem- not mine.

How to wear a mini-dress.

Strangely, I located a list of do’s and don’ts on eBay. Apparently, one must wear heels. One must not draw attention to “The Decolletage” because one is already showing enough skin (An aside- what is “enough skin”? How is it measured? Cubic centimetres? How many? Is it proportionate?) Again, groom the legs. Sheesh. The pressure! Not too tight, not too short. Wear knickers. But not any knickers. Specially considered knickers. It’s a rule to wear knickers but you mustn’t have a VPL (visible panty-line) because although it’s a rule to wear knickers NO ONE MUST KNOW YOU ARE WEARING THEM. So adhere to all these and FEEL CONFIDENT, ok?

Yeah, no. Locate a mini-dress that you like in the size you feel best in. Insert body… Accessorise. Or not. Voila! You are wearing a mini-dress! I followed these instructions for my 30th a couple of years back- it worked out fine!

I do have legs.I promise. Black stockings!!

How to wear a bikini.

This one is contentious. There are rules. There are a billion images and articles out there that tell you what you need to do or wear or buy to get ready to wear a bikini. There are diets and fast fitness plans. There is more of the leg-shaving, curve-shaming crap I already shared earlier on. I read a bunch and frankly, I refuse to link to any more of that bullshit.

The truth is, you don’t need to do anything but this to wear a bikini. 

Linking up with Emily from Have a Laugh on Me for Laugh Link

Let me get this off my chest…

The article starts with this line:

PRAY tell, why does Lara Bingle feel the need to go out in public without a bra?

And honestly, I was so mad I wanted to stop reading it right then and there. It goes on to criticise Lara Bingle for various public appearances where she has dared to appear wearing clothes apparently without a bra underneath. 

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This kind of body shaming has a really sour tone to it, even more so when you take into account it is written by a woman to attack another woman. The author acknowledges it is a trivial complaint- but I don’t think this is a trivial issue. From a young age, we, as women, are pressured to look a certain way, dress a certain way and made to feel that anything outside these arbitrary parameters is negative.

I have had enough.

To the writer of this dreadful piece of body-shaming, I would like to say the following:

Bras are optional. They are not a legal requirement. It is of no consequence to you what Lara Bingle or anyone else wears under their clothes. You are reinforcing the view that others have a right to govern or judge what a woman does with her body. The bit where you imply she has had breast enlargement surgery? Not cool. Every body is different. Maybe hers are natural and do sit up that high- she is in her twenties and hasn’t had children, it’s not unheard of. Even if you are correct- again- what Lara Bingle chooses to do with her body, be it surgery or no bra, is her prerogative and no one else’s business. You say you find it it “odd” that she “feels the need to bare-breast it” but she didn’t bare-breast it. That would mean her breasts were bare. They were not. So you can quit finding it odd, because that’s not what happened here. If she does “feel the need” to bare her breasts somewhere where it is permissible for her to do so, good for her. If you still find it odd, that is your prerogative, but it is not Lara’s problem. What would be awesome would be to see less body shaming and more positivity and acceptance of all body shapes, sizes, clothing styles and what have you. We’re women; we should be on the same side. If that is to be true, it would be a good idea to stop tearing each other down, especially when we know it’s “trivial”.