How to Wear Shorts, a Mini-Dress or a Bikini!

Fellow Australians, Summer is fast approaching and the temperature is already soaring! I don’t know about you but my facebook feed is full of style guides and fashion tips from bloggers and news outlets to tell us what’s hot this Spring and what we should be wearing! Luckily, I have done the research for you! This is your one-stop Spring and Summer fashion blog!

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This one contains the Spring Trends You Need to Know– textures, colours, “luxe hippie”, artisanal, architectural,designer denim and spring florals (duh!). Actually, this article told me bugger all but there were some nice pictures and numerous names dropped- most of which were completely unfamiliar. Designers? Celebs? Architects? Artisans? No effing clue.

How about this? Did Rachel Finch Break Racing’s Fashion Rules? For those not au fait with such things (i.e. me), there are rules. Rules. Rules for what you can wear when you go watch a bunch of horses run around in a circle. I don’t know who Rachel Finch is, but I couldn’t see anything wrong with her outfit that would upset the horses.

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Another article made me sad. Apparently, Kelly Osborne came to Australia and could not find a bikini to buy so was forced to sunbathe in her knickers. Oh Kelly- why didn’t you call me? (Aside from the obvious- that we’ve never met- but still!) I could totes have taken you to my local Big Dubs (Big W for those of you not on a nickname basis with your local el-cheapo department store) because they had HEAPS of bikinis, tankinis, monokinis…ALL the ‘kinis! Fancy having to lay around in your bra and pants!

Thank you @ms_go_lightly for taking this pic its such a confidence booster! I don’t give fuck I look good! #nofilter

A photo posted by Kelly Osbourne (@kellyosbourne) on Oct 10, 2014 at 8:43pm PDT

Sympathy is diminishing each time I look at this photo! 

In other fashion news, it’s ok to wear leggings as pants! This is GREAT news for those of us who have been wearing them as a hat for so long!

To cap off all the fashiony articles I’ve been reading, it was with interest that I perused this one- where Men Try to Understand Fashion… and Fail. This study, while not yet peer-reviewed, shows what can only be considered to be CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE of something I’d never realised before. Yes. It’s true. After a thorough perusal of the male perspective on these outfits, it would seem that I am, in fact, a man.

My new-found masculinity not withstanding, I decided to compile a few tips, gleaned from my extensive fashion knowledge and research, to share with anyone who might happen upon my humble corner of the Internet. You’re welcome.

How to wear shorts.

I read this how-to guide. They suggest making sure your legs are hair free, ensuring you wear the “right” shoes and top, avoid the dreaded muffin-top…

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Image Source

Yeah. No. If you want to shave or wax or pluck your legs- go for it. If you want to leave them au naturel, may I suggest a sprinkle of glitter? The shoes are important. Make sure they fit and you like them. The top- make sure you like it. Fit is only important if you want it to be. I like my tops too big, sometimes. Personal preference. If you have a muffin-top, I suggest you eat it. It’s the best part. If you have the other kind, it’s up to you. Disguise it? Flaunt it? Wear what is comfortable for YOU and screw what the media or society or some bitchy girl you knew in high school tells you. I have a muffin-top (not the cake kind) and even at my slimmest, size 10-12, it was there. I’m pear shaped. I have hips. I’m a woman. I’m ok with that and if someone else is not, that is their problem- not mine.

How to wear a mini-dress.

Strangely, I located a list of do’s and don’ts on eBay. Apparently, one must wear heels. One must not draw attention to “The Decolletage” because one is already showing enough skin (An aside- what is “enough skin”? How is it measured? Cubic centimetres? How many? Is it proportionate?) Again, groom the legs. Sheesh. The pressure! Not too tight, not too short. Wear knickers. But not any knickers. Specially considered knickers. It’s a rule to wear knickers but you mustn’t have a VPL (visible panty-line) because although it’s a rule to wear knickers NO ONE MUST KNOW YOU ARE WEARING THEM. So adhere to all these and FEEL CONFIDENT, ok?

Yeah, no. Locate a mini-dress that you like in the size you feel best in. Insert body… Accessorise. Or not. Voila! You are wearing a mini-dress! I followed these instructions for my 30th a couple of years back- it worked out fine!

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I do have legs.I promise. Black stockings!!

How to wear a bikini.

This one is contentious. There are rules. There are a billion images and articles out there that tell you what you need to do or wear or buy to get ready to wear a bikini. There are diets and fast fitness plans. There is more of the leg-shaving, curve-shaming crap I already shared earlier on. I read a bunch and frankly, I refuse to link to any more of that bullshit.

The truth is, you don’t need to do anything but this to wear a bikini. 

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Linking up with Emily from Have a Laugh on Me for Laugh Link

Have a laugh on me
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