Category Archives: Uncategorized

Latham Causes Eye-Roll Injuries Across Continent

Yesterday morning, I read Mark Latham’s latest offering in the Australian Financial Review. Ever since he famously called then PM John Howard an arselicker back in 2002 I’ve taken an interest in what he’s saying or doing. Primarily because he loves a good swear and speaks his mind- regardless of whether or not he should. I do that too, on occasion. That seems to be where the similarities end, thankfully.

Anyway, I caught the headline floating around in my twittersphere:

Why left feminists don’t like kids

And I couldn’t resist. I clicked the link and read on. Admittedly, my eyes rolled so far back in my head in places that I may have missed a line or two.

image

I don’t even know what’s worse- Latham’s attempt at mansplaining feminism or his somewhat hysterical attempt to diminish a person because she takes medication.

For starters, this is the article he refers to, have a read if you haven’t seen it. Basically, the female author talks frankly about her anti-depressant medication. Now, anti-depressant medication is not something you put yourself on. A doctor prescribes it. They do so after diagnosing you with depression, right? Depression being a psychiatric condition. Lisa Pryor, the writer, mentions how well this medication has worked for her and how in being honest and open about it is not an endorsement of medication but rather:

“It is about the power of showing vulnerability, diagnosable or simply human, and how it makes others feel safe to do the same. I’d like to hope this helps build the kinds of connections that protect against psychological trouble in the first place.”

I quoted her directly there because I thought she put it so well- she exposes her vulnerability and humanity and hopes that in doing so, it may help others. It must have taken a lot to start doing that face-to-face, let alone in a national publication. Only to have Latham respond with the likes of this gem:

“At a personal level, it’s also cowardly: popping pills as an easy way out, instead of facing up to the responsibilities of adulthood.”

He  takes the liberty of stuffing words into her mouth to suit his agenda while he’s at it. Once a politician, eh? For example, he touches on her being a medical student while raising two children (My hat is off to you, Ms Pryor!) then ignores that and talks about her as if she is solely a stay at home mum who is complaining about her lot in life. He also asks:

“How will the children feel when they grow up and learn that they pushed their mother onto anti-depressants?”

Yet, no where does Ms Pryor state that her need for anti-depressant medication is the fault of her children. That’s a pretty big leap. A better question is now how will they feel  when they grow up and see that ex-politician Mark Latham has blamed them for their mother’s depression?

Personally, I think that acknowledging that you are depressed is a big thing in itself. Whether the help you need is medication or therapy of some sort- seeking that help is a big deal. I have known more than one person to suffer depression. I have suffered it myself at times. It’s bloody terrible and it’s really hard, if not impossible, to pull yourself out of it alone.

Lisa Pryor recognised the problem, got help and is now talking about it. She’s breaking down the stigma, she’s being human and vulnerable. And she’s doing it so that other people can talk about it too and maybe avoid depression in the first place. For this, Mark Latham is calling her a coward. When he got testicular cancer back in the 90’s, should he have just, what, toughed it out? Refused treatment in a show of idiotic “bravery”??

I have no idea if Lisa Pryor is a feminist. It wasn’t mentioned once in her article. But Latham has certainly taken the opportunity to blast us lefty feminists anyway.

He leveled a few other attacks I’d like to answer here.

” Why do people like this have children in the first place?”

Well, Mark, perhaps because people with conditions like depression are able to manage those conditions through appropriate therapies and it does not exclude them from being wonderful parents. That might be one reason why.

“Whether it’s my daughter’s smile, my eldest son’s Aussie irreverence or the belly laughter of my youngest son – these are my anti-depressants, every hour, every day. What is Pryor going on about?”

Lisa Pryor didn’t say her children don’t bring happiness. Not once. Depression isn’t as simple as being a bit sad. If your children’s smiles bring you happiness, that is wonderful. If you don’t require further treatment than that, you probably don’t suffer from depression  (I’m guessing, I’m no doctor). Latham may as well get upset when someone else needs a cold and flu tablet because his nose isn’t running- that’s how much sense his outrage makes.

This was my favourite assertion:

LEFT FEMINISM IS AKIN TO A PSYCHONEUROTIC DISORDER

Yup.

So, Merriam Webster’s defines a neurosis as something based on emotional conflict in which an impulse that has been blocked seeks expression in a disguised response or symptom.

So, the belief that women should have the same rights that men already have is essentially a mental illness. You don’t REALLY want that equality! Not REALLY! You think you want it but really you want something else because you have a disorder.

Confusing. Because mental health conditions require treatment, right? But, according to Latham, seeking treatment for a mental health condition is cowardly.

What a quandary.

Latham also takes the time to compare his stay at home dad lifestyle to Ms Pryor’s:

“I’m sure I’m just as busy as her: looking after a huge native garden at home, cooking gourmet meals for my family, pursuing a few business interests, writing books and The Australian Financial Review columns and, most crucially, preserving time for my children’s homework, conversation and love. When I explain this reality to my male friends, they are incredibly envious. Each of them wants to swap places.”

All that gardening and stuff is JUST LIKE full time medical school. He may as well be given an honorary medical degree for all those gourmet meals. In all seriousness though, he neglects to mention that he is able to live this lifestyle with the aid of a parliamentary pension (Some $200K per year) income while still earning additional income from his writing commitments etc- something most of us child-hating, lefty feminists just  don’t have the luxury of doing.

Latham then compares all women to those in Western Sydney and finds the rest lacking, because Western Sydney women don’t seem to suffer from Feminism. They don’t want to work and find joy in child rearing. Not like the rest of us child-hating lefties who only want to work and dislike all children but most especially our own, am I right? 

image

Oh please. Feminists are everywhere, yes, even in Western Sydney, and many of us are doing our best to raise the next generation of feminists because frankly, the Mark Lathams of the world make achieving equality in my lifetime seem very unlikely. For the record:

image

Look at me there, hating all my kids with my shriveled, feminist, pinko heart *rolling eyes as I type*

What did you think when you read his article?

image

Tagged , , , ,

Because I’m a Feminist…

I got told to go and kill myself.

image

I also got told I was a perfect example of why is was dangerous, foolish and a waste of resources to teach a girl to read and write.

image

I was told that my definition of feminism was wrong (despite providing evidence), told I was a “fucking moron” and that I was “full of shit”. I was called an” imbecile”, patronised and called “princess”, told I was “dog shit stupid” and “only worthy of mocking and ridicule”.

Why? Because I questioned someone who said “Fuck Feminism”. I pointed out what feminism offers men. I asked if he really had a problem with women receiving the same rights and privileges that men already have. Honestly, I expected it to spur on a discussion about what feminism is perceived as vs what it actually is. But…It didn’t. This person was not someone I knew. This discussion took place on a friend’s wall and had been a lively chat until this guy came along. It was a bit sweary, sure, but generally a good-natured discussion. 

Being openly feminist meant, basically, that I copped a torrent of abuse from a stranger. My husband, who is never usually confrontational in the least, read the thread and waded in. He told this guy to back off. For his trouble, he was labelled a “eunuch” married to a “feminazi”.  This guy even tried to throw the Gender Pay Gap at me as a put down or insult ( I think?), which is one I hadn’t seen before. 

image

Luckily, I’m reasonably thick-skinned when it comes to this stuff. This was not the first asshole with a keyboard that I had encountered. I even told him that. Usually I find them because I can’t help myself and read the damn comments. Or because some weirdo on twitter decides I need to hear his or her thoughts on something. The block button is pretty effective there. 

 My friend who’s page this took place on came back later and read all this garbage in appalled disbelief and told this guy, in no uncertain terms, that his behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated. Another guy who’d been part of the conversation earlier messaged me privately about it, assuring me, basically, that he didn’t agree with this guy and that he was being a “dick”.

This guy, who is a stranger to me, essentially abused me for being female and abused me for being a feminist. I don’t know what his aim was. If it was to convince me of male superiority as demonstrated by himself, it failed miserably. If he was trying to convince me that feminism was not required anymore, it backfired hugely. To be honest, he only convinced me of one thing and re-affirmed one other.

He convinced me, unequivocally, that he was a contemptible human being. He re-affirmed for me that some people feel safe in abusing strangers from behind the safety of a computer monitor.

For this, I can only offer one award:

image

This garbage that I copped was from one sad individual and I’m far from the only one to have experienced this.Online trolls are real people- actual human beings- not bots or spam programs. And I’m sure they don’t speak to people face-to-face in the same way they do online. 

But that doesn’t make their words less real or somehow more acceptable and it certainly doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be called on it.

Have you ever been trolled? 

image

Tagged , , , ,

I Pity the ‘Foo…

Have we all heard about poor old Redfoo? For those that don’t know, he was part of dance music group LMFAO, he’s on The X-Factor and has really big hair.

That pretty well sums up all I knew of him until this week when, in the wake of the Julien Blanc saga, he and his mates released a new song which was immediately dubbed the most sexist song of the year.

image

Image Source

I watched the clip here to see what all the fuss was about.

I have to say, at first, I was horrified. I mean, it would appear that a bunch of girls go to a party, refuse to drink alcohol (because literally, they can’t!) and dance and do “girl on girl” and get told to shut the fuck up. As the video progresses, Play-N-Skillz ft Redfoo, Lil Jon and Enertia McFly and the other party-goers surround this group of women and kinda force their dance moves on them. As each women succumbs to what can only be described as physical peer pressure, their clothing seems to shrink and appears smaller and tighter. Weird. It’s almost like when they succumb to the pressure to drink, dance and go girl-on-girl it makes them…sexier? At one point a woman or two ends up falling or being half-dragged or pushed into a wading pool,  and they spend some time gyrating around in the water with clothes falling off a bit while someone- possibly Redfoo himself?- appears to videoing them on a mobile phone and accessing a website called “Red Tube” (don’t Google that one at work- imagine a YouTube for…erm…adults) presumably to upload a video.

Then there are the lyrics. Here are some of Redfoo’s bits:

You got a big ol’ butt
I can tell by the way you’re walkin’
But you annoying me… ‘cause you’re talkin’ (STFU!)

and 

I said jump on the pole
I didn’t need your opinion
Gurrrrl I’m sippin’ on this drink
I’m tryna see what you got
Not tryna hear what you think

And the rest of the song is basically guys yelling at women to shut the fuck up when they don’t want to do something. It appears to be an exercise in pressuring women to conform to what these men want; wild girls who drink and perform sexual acts and dress revealingly but don’t express individual opinions or thoughts. So you can probably see why I felt the way I did when I watched it.

Thankfully, Redfoo jumped on twitter and cleared the WHOLE thing up.

See, we have it all wrong. We all purposely misinterpreted the clip and the song to support our agenda. You know, the whole rape culture, misogyny thing we’re all harping on about for no apparent reason.

We just jumped on this song and CHOSE to see it as a group of women being pressured to drink, dance and do “girl-on-girl” as if it were a party trick. It might seem as if it’s a group of men shouting at women to shut the fuck up when they aren’t compliant. It looks like women being forcefully sexualised. But really, Redfoo and Co are the victims here.

Oh! Well, that’s okay then!

He has great respect for women. It’s true, I mean, look at the “artwork” with his single “New Thang” (note the camera on his forehead):

image

Image Source

See? It’s SATIRE. If you’re offended it’s because you DON’T GET IT. It’s not because it’s offensive! At the time of writing this, over 16 thousand people have signed a petition to remove Redfoo as a judge on The X Factor. That’s over 16,000 people who don’t get it.

image

Image Source Redfoo (above): a man of wit so subtle that more than 16,000 people don’t get the joke.

For those of us that just don’t get this particular brand of “satire”, you should check out this modified cover of “Literally I Can’t”. It was rewritten and performed by Melbourne art rock band, The Stiffys. Don’t let the band name put you off- this is LITERALLY  the best thing to come out of this debacle:

The petition to remove Redfoo from The X Factor was launched by Collective Shout, who campaign against the objectification and sexualisation of women and girls in media, advertising and popular culture. Here is what they had to say:

image

image

He has since posted this fauxpology on Facebook:

image

This song is meant to unite people through laughter, dance and celebration? Yeah, no. As a woman, I can categorically state that there is nothing unifying about being told to shut the fuck up. I listened to the song. I watched the video. I wasn’t laughing. It didn’t feel like a celebration. Like the women in the video, I didn’t want to dance, either. 

Obviously, it’s up to Channel 7 to decide whether or not they still want this guy on their show. I wonder if losing a job would push the point home?

image

image

Have a laugh on me</div
Tagged , , , , ,

Oh Pinterest, what are you for?

I have Pinterest. I go through fits and starts with it. So I will madly pin things for an hour, then ignore it for a week. But I will be honest, I don’t really know what it is for except to make me fully realise how uncrafty I am.

I pin pretty things, like jewellery.

I pin recipes that I’ve rarely used, except once and it was a success:

I pin healthy recipes but haven’t tried one from Pinterest yet. I assume the pinning expends some energy and is therefore exercise.

I pin breastfeeding, babywearing and general baby-related stuff that might be useful to someone.

I just started a Dr Who board with exactly 1 pin. It’s awesome.

I pin toddler crafty things for playgroup and for home. I have made a couple of things, like colourful foam which was a total pin-win:

At playgroup we made those bottles full of sparkles and crap that are all lovely and supposed to be calming and a good distraction for an over stimulated kid and they would be…if you could get a kid in that state to sit still long enough to look at it. The mums liked it though!

Ours were just like these ones found here but I wasn’t sacrificing good mason jars- we used coke bottles because we are classy as hell.

Generally, I think Pinterest is often a showcase of amazing creativity that is not possessed by the majority of society. They throw in a few actually easy ideas here and there- that’s what gets you in.

You have a success or two and your confidence builds. You’re ALL OVER this Pinterest stuff.

So we continue and what do we find, as we wade through boards and pins and search results?

Projects meant for kids need that actually need an adult with an engineering degree to complete them. “Simple” recipes that go easily haywire. Is it a conspiracy? Do the gods of Pinterest sit back and laugh at the efforts of us mere mortals? Yes. Yes they do. Take our random turkey-craft done for no real reason:

But I’m not letting that set me back. I mean, if I had made this, I’d probably quit Pinterest forever:

I found this here on PinterestFail.com

The maker of the above was attempting what is essentially bacon cooked in pancake batter and she couldn’t figure out how she ended up with a plate full of lungs.

I’m wondering how she missed the giant va-jay-jay on that plate. Suddenly, I’m not hungry!

How about you? Got any great Pinterest successes or fails?

Linking up with Emily @ Have a Laugh on Me for Laugh Link

Tagged , , , ,

Feminism- the New “F” word?!

Julie Bishop was raised on a South Australian cherry farm. She grew up and studied hard, eventually graduating with a Law degree.
She worked her way up through the ranks of a couple of law firms (notably Clayton Utz where she attained managing partnership) before entering federal politics.
She is currently the Deputy Leader of the Liberal Party. The first female to ever hold that title and only the third to ever hold the title of Deputy Leader of the Opposition. She is also the current Minister for Forgein Affairs. She is the only female member of Cabinet. Her list of achievements and political portfolios held is far too long to list here.

So it was disappointing as hell to read that feminism was not “part of her lexicon”, as well as a few other choice comments.

image

Jane Caro tweeted about how claiming not to be a feminist while reaping the rewards of feminism was pretty crappy (I may be paraphrasing a little) and she is absolutely bloody right. image

The thing is, “feminism” ISN’T a dirty word. Feminism really is what got Julie Bishop where she is today. Obviously she also worked hard to achieve her goals, but without feminism, that wouldn’t have been enough.

Take her legal qualifications- in the early 1900’s it took years of campaigning by feminists to have law degrees earned by women recognised and for them to be allowed to practice. While such things as the Gender Pay Gap exist, while women are still subject to alarming rates of intimate partner violence and the subsequent injury, disability, homelessness, trauma and even death that come from it and while women experience barriers to equality in social and economic settings, we still need feminism.

It must be so easy to sit at the top of your game and disregard it- but I think that’s a slap in the face to every sacrifice made, every struggle and every battle won that allowed you to get where you are.

The Minister Assisting the Minister for Women, Michaelia Cash, was quoted back in March as saying:

“I believe in gender equality and if you want to label me as a feminist go ahead and do it. But certainly, labelling myself as a feminist, if that is a prerequisite now for being a Minister for Women, that’s ridiculous.”

But it’s not ridiculous. If you believe in gender equality, then you must acknowledge that we don’t have it.

If you acknowledge that, you’ll see that they way to make the genders equal is to give women the same rights, benefits and opportunities that men already enjoy.

It may not be written into the job description for being a Minister for Women, but it bloody well should be.

Otherwise, we’d have a Minister for Women ignoring the inequalities and disadvantages faced by women. And what would the point of that be? …Oh…wait…

image

image

image

image

image

image

Linking up today with MaxabellaLoves for Weekend Rewind and With Some Grace for #FYBF

Tagged , , , , ,

Beauty Tips for the Busy Woman

I’m always a wee bit frazzled, what with up to 4 children to ferry about at any given time, a demanding cat, shift work and so on- but that is no excuse for not looking my best at all times. Anyone who knows me will verify that my beauty routine  is terrible terribly important to me- it’s on par with my dedication to doing fashion.

image

Me, circa 2008, ready to hit the town.

First off, your cleansing routine:

Cleanse, tone, exfoliate, moisturise.

Now, I don’t have time for that EVERY day, so I have whittled it down to a manageable routine that can be completed in under a minute:

Splash face with water, dry, slather face in cream.

Cream is preferably a moisturising lotion designed for faces, but I discovered, by accident, that hand cream works just fine (in my defence, the bottles were VERY similar!)

Next up is makeup:

Apply concealer to all the bits that need concealing, then foundation (all over), powder (to cover all the foundation or something), blush, eye liner, eye shadow,  mascara, lip liner, lipstick. Do something with bronzer powder. Ensure all products are organic, SPF50+, cruelty-free, ethically sourced and probably quite expensive.

I don’t really know what all that stuff is. Again, time is of the essence.

Examine drawer full of some of that crap, put on some lip balm. Done.

Can’t forget the hair:

In the shower, be sure to shampoo (twice) and then deep condition using products bought at a hairdresser, not a supermarket. Once out, blow dry, being careful to use some stuff to protect your hair from the perils of the blow drier. Then straighten or curl and style accordingly. 

Yeah, no.  

Try this: Spray with dry shampoo, rub in, brush, pull into tidy-ish bun or ponytail. Secure with the nearest elastic band or kid’s scrunchie. I have it on good authority that the scrunchie is making a comeback in a big way. That’s an inside tip- get on it!

image

Image Source

Then all that’s left is to dress and accessorise and you are ready for your day! I find the right accessories can really draw the eye away from the lack of makeup, personally.

image

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you don’t feel you look your very best, stand next to someone who looks a little worse that you. Sounds mean- but it works! For example:

image

I look amazing here…Right?

Another option is to make like a model and photoshop the hell out of yourself. I tried that, once or twice:

Jokes aside, if you want to wear makeup and have a beauty routine, that’s great. What isn’t great is the societal pressure on women to do these things. How many magazines and websites have you seen with photos of celebrities “caught” without makeup? Stuff like this and this. Or read things like this:

image

Which is either utter twaddle or the vast majority of men and a whole bunch of women walk around looking “unnatural” every single day.

Makeup and styled-up hair is a choice, not an obligation. 

image

I do go without makeup. I don’t think I’m less of a woman for it. In fact, I’m with Fran Drescher on this one:

image

How about you- got any quick and dirty beauty tips? Or are you a fellow couldn’t-be-arsed or don’t-feel-the-need-for-it kinda person?

Have a laugh on me

image

Tagged , , , , ,

I Have a Phobia and It Hasn’t Hurt Anyone*

A phobia is, by definition, an irrational and extreme fear of a situation or a thing.
Mine is Mottephobia- the fear of moths.
I recognise that moths are (allegedly) perfectly harmless. I mean, they don’t bite or sting, they don’t have razor sharp moth-feet, they don’t eat people (apparently) and they aren’t venomous.
They do, however, have insecty-segmented bodies, a bunch of legs, freakishly powdery wings, scary eyes and an uncontrollable attraction to me. It’s terrifying.

image

Mothra vs. Godzilla


About 13 or 14 years ago, there was a plague of great, big moths in Sydney. Awful things, the size of a small pterodactyl, from memory. One night, I had gone to bed and just started to drift off. It was a hot, summery evening but I ALWAYS need a sheet over me (In case of bugs, the bogeyman, intruders etc- what good it will do I have no idea, all I know is I must have it). Anyway, as I said, I was just drifting of when something thudded on to my thigh. I would estimate the weight to be that of a small-to-medium bird of prey. I froze, then pulled the sheet up over my head. My then-partner flicked on the light in response to the distressed noises I was making. He instructed me to remain under the sheet, refused to answer my impassioned pleas to know what it was that was on my leg and set about coaxing the thing on to a pillow and carrying it outside. Once he’d slid the balcony door closed I risked a peek. It was a moth the size of a dinner plate (or near enough) that had been ON ME.
My fear was big enough that I got very little sleep that night and every time the sheet shifted on me I would jump, sure that the giant moth was back with his mates, ready to take turns in terrifying me.
I have another phobia, too. This one probably interferes less in my day to day life. It’s fish. Fish, with all their scaly, slimy, bug-eyed…fishiness. I’m not sure it’s an actual phobia so much as it’s a revulsion. I can’t eat fish. Looking at whole cooked fish or fish with scales on- can’t do it!
So moving in to this house was kind of an issue, because of the shower screens in both bathrooms:

I’m sure you can see my dilemma.

I don’t shower in the butterfly shower. Butterflies are just slightly more colourful moths. Instead I put up with the fish. I literally turn my back on them and just avoid looking at them. It became worse when I found out that the style of screens were super popular because they used real fish, butterflies and what have you encased in the screen. Vom.

I have two friends who have a phobia of cotton wool. It’s pretty real for both of them. Adam had this to say when I asked him:

image

My friend Marissa recounted this for me:

image

Both Adam and Marissa know that cotton wool is harmless, just like I know moths are. But the fear and revulsion is still there and we’re helpless against it.

Somewhat more concerning is another phobia that seems to be getting a lot of airtime. It’s being called Islamophobia. You’ve probably heard of it. It’s were people act like total jerks towards members of the Muslim community. This includes abusing and physically attacking people. Islamaphobes get all upset if a new Mosque is being built, they refuse to purchase foods that are halal certified, they try to ban cultural dress and they talk about driving Muslim people out of the community by contaminating their places of worship. There is, however, a huge difference between Islamophobia and a fear of bugs or cotton products. Whereas people like Marissa, Adam and I know our fear is irrational- Islamophobes, in my experience, claim the opposite. I was involved in a discussion recently with a very objectionable man. He was full of justifications and rationalisations for his attitude towards Islam and was keen to sign up new members, so to speak. At one point, he said: 

“I’m not against Muslim people, I am against their religion, beliefs, food, dress and culture. As people, I’m sure they’re fine.”

So essentially, what he said was:

“I’m not against Muslim people, except when they are, you know, being Muslim people.”

Well, that’s a relief.

He also raised the issue of Sharia Law. Two Muslim women who were part of this conversation said that Sharia Law was broadly misunderstood and not something enforced in Australia anyway. Both mentioned their faith dictated that they first follow “The Law of the Land”. The man told them they were wrong.

He told two practicing Muslims that he knew more about their faith than they did.

I won’t even go into the other things he said, because quite frankly, that shit doesn’t bear repeating. It was offensive.

What do you say to people who are so heavily committed to hating a minority group that they literally deny the facts to maintain their hatred? This guy belonged to a number of Anti-Islamic groups and I clicked on some of the pages and websites. I saw their online memberships numbered in the thousands. How bloody depressing.

This is different to your run-of-the-mill phobia. It’s irrational, sure. It tends to be extreme, too. The trouble is- this particular phobia? It’s a choice. If I could become friends with our mothy brothers, no longer paralysed with fear at the sound of powdery wings flapping- I’d do it. If Adam and Marissa could roll gaily in cotton wool, abandoning themselves to billows of the soft, squeaky balls without wanting to vomit or die, I have no doubt they’d do it in a second. Because phobias really effing suck. I can’t even pretend to understand why you’d choose one. Do you have a phobia?



*It MAY have caused some moth-deaths.

Tagged , , , , , ,

I never thought I’d say that!

Ever found yourself saying something you never thought you would? Happens to me all the time. I’m constantly surprised by what comes out of my mouth and is generally aimed at one of the kids.

In no particular order, here are some stand-outs:

  • I don’t know which one of you does it, but putting your feet on the wall while you are on the toilet needs to stop.
  • Honey, if he doesn’t have angel blood running through his veins, doesn’t hunt demons for a living and doesn’t hang out with the High Warlock of Brooklyn, then he is not the man for you. Stick to those high-standards! (In response to my step-daughter’s crush on Jace from the Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare.)

Jamie Campbell Bower, who plays Jace in the film adaptation- Image Source.

  • You won’t like it; it’s chockers with sex.
  • Sure, you can learn to play the drums. 
  • Whose poo is this?!?!
  • So are you telling me you’re gay? No? None of you are?
  • A nerve cell model out of food. We can do that.

And we did!

  • Yes, that is what the ‘c’word is. Next time, maybe spell it instead of saying it. Especially when we have guests.
  • The expression is “I’ll give you a kick up the bum” not “I’ll put my foot in your bum”- big difference.
  • Don’t let that cat drink your drink- it’s not even our cat!

How about you- what have you said that you never thought you would?

Tagged , , , ,

How to Wear Shorts, a Mini-Dress or a Bikini!

Fellow Australians, Summer is fast approaching and the temperature is already soaring! I don’t know about you but my facebook feed is full of style guides and fashion tips from bloggers and news outlets to tell us what’s hot this Spring and what we should be wearing! Luckily, I have done the research for you! This is your one-stop Spring and Summer fashion blog!

image

This one contains the Spring Trends You Need to Know– textures, colours, “luxe hippie”, artisanal, architectural,designer denim and spring florals (duh!). Actually, this article told me bugger all but there were some nice pictures and numerous names dropped- most of which were completely unfamiliar. Designers? Celebs? Architects? Artisans? No effing clue.

How about this? Did Rachel Finch Break Racing’s Fashion Rules? For those not au fait with such things (i.e. me), there are rules. Rules. Rules for what you can wear when you go watch a bunch of horses run around in a circle. I don’t know who Rachel Finch is, but I couldn’t see anything wrong with her outfit that would upset the horses.

image

Another article made me sad. Apparently, Kelly Osborne came to Australia and could not find a bikini to buy so was forced to sunbathe in her knickers. Oh Kelly- why didn’t you call me? (Aside from the obvious- that we’ve never met- but still!) I could totes have taken you to my local Big Dubs (Big W for those of you not on a nickname basis with your local el-cheapo department store) because they had HEAPS of bikinis, tankinis, monokinis…ALL the ‘kinis! Fancy having to lay around in your bra and pants!

Thank you @ms_go_lightly for taking this pic its such a confidence booster! I don’t give fuck I look good! #nofilter

A photo posted by Kelly Osbourne (@kellyosbourne) on Oct 10, 2014 at 8:43pm PDT

Sympathy is diminishing each time I look at this photo! 

In other fashion news, it’s ok to wear leggings as pants! This is GREAT news for those of us who have been wearing them as a hat for so long!

To cap off all the fashiony articles I’ve been reading, it was with interest that I perused this one- where Men Try to Understand Fashion… and Fail. This study, while not yet peer-reviewed, shows what can only be considered to be CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE of something I’d never realised before. Yes. It’s true. After a thorough perusal of the male perspective on these outfits, it would seem that I am, in fact, a man.

My new-found masculinity not withstanding, I decided to compile a few tips, gleaned from my extensive fashion knowledge and research, to share with anyone who might happen upon my humble corner of the Internet. You’re welcome.

How to wear shorts.

I read this how-to guide. They suggest making sure your legs are hair free, ensuring you wear the “right” shoes and top, avoid the dreaded muffin-top…

image

Image Source

Yeah. No. If you want to shave or wax or pluck your legs- go for it. If you want to leave them au naturel, may I suggest a sprinkle of glitter? The shoes are important. Make sure they fit and you like them. The top- make sure you like it. Fit is only important if you want it to be. I like my tops too big, sometimes. Personal preference. If you have a muffin-top, I suggest you eat it. It’s the best part. If you have the other kind, it’s up to you. Disguise it? Flaunt it? Wear what is comfortable for YOU and screw what the media or society or some bitchy girl you knew in high school tells you. I have a muffin-top (not the cake kind) and even at my slimmest, size 10-12, it was there. I’m pear shaped. I have hips. I’m a woman. I’m ok with that and if someone else is not, that is their problem- not mine.

How to wear a mini-dress.

Strangely, I located a list of do’s and don’ts on eBay. Apparently, one must wear heels. One must not draw attention to “The Decolletage” because one is already showing enough skin (An aside- what is “enough skin”? How is it measured? Cubic centimetres? How many? Is it proportionate?) Again, groom the legs. Sheesh. The pressure! Not too tight, not too short. Wear knickers. But not any knickers. Specially considered knickers. It’s a rule to wear knickers but you mustn’t have a VPL (visible panty-line) because although it’s a rule to wear knickers NO ONE MUST KNOW YOU ARE WEARING THEM. So adhere to all these and FEEL CONFIDENT, ok?

Yeah, no. Locate a mini-dress that you like in the size you feel best in. Insert body… Accessorise. Or not. Voila! You are wearing a mini-dress! I followed these instructions for my 30th a couple of years back- it worked out fine!

image

I do have legs.I promise. Black stockings!!

How to wear a bikini.

This one is contentious. There are rules. There are a billion images and articles out there that tell you what you need to do or wear or buy to get ready to wear a bikini. There are diets and fast fitness plans. There is more of the leg-shaving, curve-shaming crap I already shared earlier on. I read a bunch and frankly, I refuse to link to any more of that bullshit.

The truth is, you don’t need to do anything but this to wear a bikini. 

image

Linking up with Emily from Have a Laugh on Me for Laugh Link

Have a laugh on me
Tagged , , , ,