Uncommon Sense

So-called common sense should not be called that. Because it’s not bloody common at all. If it was common, I would have had nothing to write about here. It would have been all “Oh yes, everybody is lovely, nothing to see here, haven’t rolled my eyes at all, ever, except to examine the ceiling”. Instead, I have a list. Compiled of stuff our kids have done and stuff I’ve seen and heard about more than once. This is the condensed version. I figured we could all use a good eye-roll every now and then. You’re welcome.

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  • Cooking two eggs? Get out the largest frying pan in the cupboard. Heat on smallest burner. Cook self two eggs, one at a time. Heaven forbid you could use the large burner and put the two eggs in to cook together.
  • You’re 10 years old and want to learn to play drums. No problem. Wait until the toddler siblings are FINALLY asleep, then get to practicing!
  • Gotta clean the bathroom? Stands to reason the cream cleanser used in the shower and sink can be used everywhere, right? That chalky residue means it’s CLEAN. Duh. What exactly do you mean by “rinse”??
  • Help out by seasoning the chicken in the cooker. “A light sprinkling of paprika and herbs” was the instruction. This is “light”… right?

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I have to admit, it was delicious. Once I’d scraped off the thick layer of gunk the slow cooker turned this into.

  • Carry a pet’s bowl of water from one house to the next, while carrying other things. Why empty it first when you can simply complain about spilling it everywhere on the way?
  • Board peak hour train, squish between people, push, shove, jam self into only available seat in middle of carriage. Phew. Got a seat. Oh! Next stop is my stop! Push and shove way out.
  • Driving. Why use indicators? Much better to just randomly switch lanes with no warning. Keeps people guessing and makes driver feel like exotic man or woman of mystery ( I imagine that’s the appeal, anyway)

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  • Another one for driving. See person with L-plate. Immediately tailgate, cut off, blare horn, wave arms in exasperated gestures and yell unimaginative swear words because L-plate drivers are inexperienced and such actions will immediately build their confidence and make them better drivers, which is obviously in the best interests of everyone.
  • Ride a bicycle. Great for your health and fitness, especially when ridden on busy motorways surrounded by cars and trucks pumping out carbon monoxide and other such healthful substances.

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  • Start reading a new book. Story seems a bit off, somehow. *Shrug*, carry on reading, do no further investigating at this point. Finish book, have a good look at cover and notice it is the 3rd book in a series. 
  • Give out unsolicited weight loss advice, while eating cheesy pasta and garlic bread, to co-workers. It adds to your credibility.
  • Go to hospital emergency department complaining of pain, terrible pain, pain so all-encompassing that you didn’t even bother to take a panadol at home.

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  • Similarly, go to hospital emergency department with a cold.
  • Large chain offers “healthy” salad option. Order in meal deal form expecting it to come with a drink, which it does. And fries. Not a serve of fruit or a yoghurt or even a choice. Comes with chips. Awesome. Want to upsize?
  • Take off shoes while still done up. Complain that everyone is “rushing you” when they want to go out and you are still struggling to un-knot your laces to put your shoes ON.
  • Beg to help Mum with dinner. Preheat the oven, chop the vegies, season the vegies, put vegies in roasting pans, cover vegies with foil. Wander off, feeling satisfied that you have contributed invaluably to the family meal. Wonder why Mum is annoyed on finding the vegies still on the bench 40 minutes later. No pleasing some people, is there?
  • No body wash left in body wash bottle. Leave empty bottle in shower. Do not replace with full bottle from cupboard. Instead, wash self with shampoo. 
  • Go to see a movie. Constantly ask parent or sibling what will happen even though you know they have not seen the movie. Ask so often that they are so distracted by your talking that you both miss out on finding out what happened.
  • Be asked to look for something. Turn head in one direction, look at wall in said direction, declare object not found. This particular action perfected by every child, ever.

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